Unfinished …

Have you ever been on the precipice of something that you fully believed in, you knew was going to work, going to be successful but you just can’t jump?

That’s been me recently. Fear of failure, or worse fear of success? I live my life surrounded by affirmations, or that is, I did. It’s been a while since I posted them up on my walls and mirrors and I think maybe it’s time I got back to that. I’m in that part of my cycle where I have forgotten all of the tools that work to manage these occasional crises. They don’t have magical powers but it’s been proven that people who write down their goals and read them daily have a much better chance at reaching them.

How much better? I don’t know. Certainly better than navigating an asteroid field being chased by TIE fighters. And maybe that’s the problem.

Everyday that I wake up I can feel the weight of my fortunate life on my chest. What is that about? I realize right away that I am in a comfortable bed, that my cats purring peacefully and the sound of waves crashing softly in the background are my daily wake-up calls, that I am able to walk into my kitchen and choose from a variety of items what I want to eat for the day and when. I hit buttons and lights turn on, I stand up and my legs work, I close my eyes and I don’t see pain and suffering. Why does this feel so debilitating some days?

I suppose it’s the difference between appreciating that you have reasons to be OK and believing that you actually are OK. I think I’m in that gap where I can see where I am and what’s possible all at once. I’ve heard this called The Weight of Potential. Isn’t that something? It actually exists and the crushing part isn’t weakness is genuine self-awareness.

I think it’s a lot harder to be stuck in belief than in disbelief. Does that make sense? Because you keep making choices from a place of fear, fear that you are about to have to be super accountable to yourself. What a privilege that I’m taking for granted, SMH. But it’s real. The asteroid field is real, so is the ship, so are the hits, and the escape.

The lesson here is that the only way to escape an asteroid field is to go through it. Don’t stop, don’t hide, because you may think it’s the right choice but you may also end up in the belly of the beast.

We are all unfinished art. Original art by Karla Bravo.